Thanksgiving

I am a day late, but I wanted to wish everyone a very happy and safe Thanksgiving. Take time to look at the positives in your life and be thankful for all of the good you have in your life. It is easy to dwell on the negatives in life, but take the time to acknowledge the positives. For it is those positives that keep us going each day and make every minute of our lives worth living!

Making A Plan And Knowing Who To Reach Out To

I wasn’t going to post today, but statistics are showing that firefighter suicide rates are on the increase. It has also been shown that during the late fall and winter months, depression can be increased by the weather as well as the decreased sunlight during the day. Finally, it has also been noted that suicide rates increase during times of holidays. Before I take a break to spend Thanksgiving with my family, I wanted to share a short post about having a plan for when your depressed symptoms become worse.

Please realize that it is very important to have a plan in order for when your depressed feelings seem too hard to handle, or if you begin to have thoughts about self-harm or suicide. Things that can be included in your plan can include calling predetermined friends or family to talk to (it is always a good idea to surround yourself with positive people that have love for you and support you no matter how bad your day is), taking part in activities that will bring enjoyment to your day and help take your mind of your depression (listening to music, working out, art work, reading, walking the dog, ect), contacting your doctor immediately (it is very important to keep your doctor updated on your condition and any changes in your health) and also contact your counselor or therapist (sometimes having a neutral party listen to your story and feelings can help you to see the positives in your life, and they can help you understand and sort out your feelings). If you do not have a plan in place, I suggest that you come up with one.

For those that are suffering deeply from depression and are still looking for someone to talk to, below is a list of phone numbers and websites that can be used as vital tools to get you through your tough times. These are just a few phone numbers that can be called. It should also be noted that local county and state agencies also have phone numbers that are staffed by trained personnel 24/7, and can be searched online. If the crisis becomes too hard to manage, and your plan or support groups are not helping to relieve your symptoms, please call 911. Your life is very precious and you are placed on this earth for a reason (although it is hard to see during times of struggle). Remember that there are people that care about you and that love you. It is important as a person struggling from depression to take the first steps for help. Remember my story. Remember that I have been there and I have attempted suicide before. But by taking the first steps and receiving the help I needed, it helped me to get back on the right path. I have never been so successful in my career, I have a beautiful wife and 3 kids, and I am here for each and every one of you as a support to get you to the place you need to be.

Important Phone Numbers To Note:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-TALK (855) or http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Hopeline: 800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

National Suicide Hotlines: 800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

Grief Recovery Helpline: 800-445-4808

NAMI Informational Help Line: The Information HelpLine is an information and referral service which can be reached by calling 1 (800) 950-NAMI (6264), Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.- 6 p.m., EST or by email at info@nami.org

Important Phone Number For Family Members That Are Concerned About A Loved One:

Parent Hotline: 800-840-6537 or http://parenthotline.net

 

I am also available at steve_andel@yahoo.com. Please, if you have any questions or would like additional information or support, email me and I will do my very best to get back to you in a timely manor.

I am also including a link from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that gives you a rough idea of how to form a Safety Plan and the different aspects that should be included. This can be found at Sample Safety Plan.

I wish everyone a very safe and Happy Thanksgiving, and remember to be nice and support others.

Steve

Thought For The Day

Image found at http://maximusandme.blogspot.com/

Symptoms I Have Faced With Depression

Before I go further into firefighter depression, I wanted to touch on signs and symptoms of depression as a base to my discussions. It is important to remember that people are individuals, and experience symptoms of all types of illnesses and injuries differently. I am going to go over several of the symptoms that I experienced, to give you some insight on how depression has directly affected me.

It is important to realize that everyone experiences depressed moods at times. An example of this could be a family death, and the family dealing with the grieving process. But with diagnosed depression, I have seen that the signs and symptoms are there, whether there is a major life event or not. Individuals that have depression can have times of depressed moods that could range from several days to many years depending on the choice to receive treatment, compliance, or effectiveness of the individuals treatment.

It is important to express, as previously stated, that not all symptoms are the same for every person that is affected by depression. The important point is to expose people to these signs and symptoms in order to recognize the presence of depression. The following is a brief summary of some of the symptoms that I have personally experienced over the years:

Increased Sadness: I have experienced many times of increased sadness at many points in my life. These experiences have come at all times of the day, and can exist with many other symptoms. The feeling of sadness will come on all of a sudden, and I have often found myself crying and having the feeling of complete sadness. I have noticed through my counseling and medications, that the incidence of sadness has decreased. But it is important to realize, like every single person in life, there are good days and bad. Medication and therapy only can control depression to some point. Surrounding yourself with positive activities or people and using positive coping techniques are critical to getting through these times.

In addition to sadness, I also experienced a great deal of feeling “worthless.” I felt like I was never good enough for anyone, and that I was always a burden on others. This was only a misconception in my head. Along the same lines, I also had periods of low self-esteem. I always had thoughts that I never looked good, that my attempts to be a good friend and family member were a failure, and I never had any confidence in any activity I did. With the decrease in self-confidence and lower self-esteem I also had trouble making decisions. Even simple every day activities that I would normally not even think about was hard for me. It took the positive words by my counselor and actually taking a good look at my life to realize that all of these thoughts were just symptoms of the depression. I really was a great person, succeeded at many things in life, and was ultimately a good friend and family member.

Loss of interest in activities that normally provide pleasure: One of the things that I find the most pleasure in is working out. There are times during my deepest and darkest times that the motivation to work out and stay active became very hard. This is a natural symptom of depression. It should also be noted in the section of loss of interest in pleasurable events that people that suffer from depression also can have a loss of interest and drive in their sex life. I have found in times of depression, even though I lack the motivation to do my work outs, I have to push myself to have that time. If it is hard to get motivated to do this activity, call someone who shares the same enthusiasm. Use them as a crutch to get into your activity. I have found that a small bit of pleasurable activity each day improves my mood and also gives me time to clear my head. It should also be noted that along with the loss of motivation to do activities, that an increase in fatigue and lower amounts of energy can be seen in patients with depression.

Withdrawal: There have been times in life that during depressed moods, I have found myself withdrawn and isolated from my friends and family. This symptom I can connect to many other symptoms mentioned in this post. I have found myself hurting so bad inside, horrible pain in my chest, and extreme sadness at times that it is so easy to just isolate yourself from others and lay in bed all day. There were even times that I wouldn’t even have the energy to shower each day. I found through therapy and doctors that although it isn’t normal for everyday life, that people with depression do at times have problems keeping up with hygiene. It is important to realize that you are on this earth for a reason, and taking care of the one body you have is essential to your everyday health. Although it is very easy to isolate yourself based off of your feelings, I found it very beneficial to come up with a list of people close to me that I can call if I feel these symptoms coming. Involving yourself in group activities or conversation with family and friends can help you to talk out your feelings and at times can help to lift the burden or pressure off yourself. Through these activities, I found that I was able to reduce the intensity of the symptoms. By sitting in bed or isolating myself from others, I found myself dwelling on my feelings and noticed that the symptoms increased drastically.

Sleep and Eating Changes: Here is an area that I referred to earlier that can be different between individual patients with depression, and can even change within the same patient. Personally, when I had extreme times of sadness, and loss of motivation and energy I turned to the isolation and spent a lot of time in my room dwelling on things. Soon, my time in my bed turned to countless hours of sleeping, both during the day and at night. On the other side of the spectrum, people with depression can also have an extremely hard time sleeping. The feelings of pain, sadness, or even racing thoughts keep the patient from sleeping. Both instances are not healthy for the human body and should be regulated by a doctor. Again as I stated previously, getting out of bed, surrounding yourself by positive people,  and participating in activities that are pleasurable and safe, helps to limit these symptoms and will reduce their intensity.

Eating changes are often another sign of depression. For some, a depressed mood will increase hunger. Many of the times, I found myself excessively eating. In addition to the increased food intake, I found foods that were unhealthy for me to be eating in excess (fast food, candy). If you have these cravings, have healthy food on hand to eat. I found it beneficial to pre-cut apples, and have bananas, yogurt, and granola bars on hand. Although the taste of pops and energy drinks were often times my choice of beverage, I found that cutting back on the sugars and adding water to my oral intake helped to control the weight gain and also was a healthier choice for my body. The other symptom related to eating is a lack of appetite. I also experienced this at times when I was so depressed, that I wouldn’t even get the energy to get out of bed to eat. Even if I had food in front of me, the feeling of pain outweighed the feeling of hunger and I went days at points without eating. This was also very unhealthy for me. After talking with doctors, I found that I had to add oral intake to my daily activities and eventually added the meal replacement drinks to my diet. Although I did not want to rely on this for my only intake, it still gave me nutrients and I wasn’t starving my body of one of its main means of energy.

Change in behavior and thoughts: I left this one for last because it had the biggest impact on me as a patient of depression. Due to the decreased mood, the never-ending sadness, and being tired, I began to become very irritable. Things that I normally could let roll of my back or just ignore infuriated me. I had numerous times that I said things to the people that I cared so deeply about that were very hurtful. I took my anger out on doors or walls, but in the end I was left with a mess and added expenses of repairing my house. Another thing that I experienced with irritability was that I was so low and so depressed that the times that my loved ones tried to help me or cheer me up, I pushed them further away from me. Realize that sometimes with depression we are at the lowest of lows and there are times that there doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. But use these loved ones to help you get through your tough times. You are not a burden on them. They come to you to help you because they love you and want the best for you. There have been many times in my life that I have felt alone, and that everything that I was going through in life I had to deal with on my own. But this is the farthest from the truth. Always know who your positive influences are in life, and call those people when you are having bad times. Come up with a list of these people and make a reasonable plan that you can implement should you feel depressed. These people will be there to listen and help you get through your though times. Include them in your healing process, don’t push them away.

With depression, I am first to admit that when it hits me, it feels like a freight train hit me head on. The pain and the sadness were always running through my head. I couldn’t get it out of my head that I was different then everyone else, that I wasn’t good enough, or that there was no possible way of achieving happiness. I was a very spiritual person, but for a time lost contact with that because I even began to blame God for the way I felt. I noticed that as the depression got worse, it took over my entire body. Physically I always had muscle aches that I can only compare to the flu. As mentioned earlier, I was always tired and unmotivated to even get out of bed. Mentally, it took over my thinking and I could only dwell on the negatives. I had problems concentrating, would forget things that would happen in the recent past, and at times couldn’t even concentrate when someone was talking to me. Soon sadness turned into major depression, and from there I began to have suicidal thoughts and plans. In my head and my heart I couldn’t see a positive end in sight. I began to think of ways of committing suicide, but from my experience it was always in a way that didn’t involve pain. In my past suicide attempts, every time I thought my body was ready to be done on this earth, I overdosed on my mediations combined with alcohol in the hopes of the pain decreasing, falling asleep, and finally being at peace inside. I now know that each time I tried to kill myself and woke up in the hospital, it was God’s way of telling me that it wasn’t my time, and that I was meant to be on this earth for a reason. Today, my goal in life is to help educate others about depression and be there for others that suffer from the same illness that I do. I have made it my personal mission to give these individual hope that through proper treatment and therapy you can overcome these thoughts and feelings, and that happiness in life is very achievable.

But as many firefighters and paramedics know, each person is unique and experiences life and illness in different ways. One example outside of the mental health topic is that women and diabetics are at times at risk of feeling different symptoms, if any, while having a heart attack. The above have been some of the experiences that I have encountered through road to achieving happiness again. Remember, that you are never alone. I looked up a statistic today and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, there are approximately 14.8 million adults that suffer from major depression. Recognizing the signs and symptoms and accepting them can be hard. But remember that you are not alone. You can use your positive influences in life (friends and family), doctors, counselors, and if you don’t anywhere else to turn, you can call the suicide and depression hotlines. These hotlines are manned by trained personnel that are there for you to talk to 24/7.

The above signs and symptoms are just a broad overview of things that I have felt throughout my fight with depression. But as I look back today, no matter how bad I felt or how badly I wanted to end my life, everything I went through made me a stronger person. It made me realize so much about myself and the positive qualities that I possessed and I am here advocating that life does get better, but taking the steps to seek help is the first step that you have to take. If you suffer from these symptoms, there is nothing wrong with you, you just see life differently at times. Do not be ashamed for how you feel or what others will think. The world wouldn’t be as good of a place for others with you gone.

I look forward to future posts where I can go into depth about my journey through life with depression, and the different treatments and therapy techniques I use. For further information on depression and the different signs and symptoms, visit the webpages for the National Institute of Mental Health or the National Alliance on Mental Health.

 I wish everyone a good weekend and a very happy and safe Thanksgiving!

And as always, stay safe and take care of each other.

Steve

Introduction To My Life

My name is Steve, and I am a firefighter that suffers from anxiety and depression. I will be blogging and serving as a support to my fellow brothers and sisters who suffer from depression through Illinois Fire Fighter Peer Support. Although I am not a doctor or a professional in the field of mental health, I have experienced the lowest of lows. I have lived life at times thinking I was alone, and there was no hope. But I stand here today, as living proof, that nobody who suffers from any mental illness is alone. I am here today to be an advocate, and to tell you that life does get better.  I have experienced that with proper support and treatment, we can overcome any of life’s obstacles.

I was officially diagnosed with major depression and anxiety in 2004 while attending college. I noticed that I began to isolate myself from my friends, no longer found pleasure in my extracurricular activities, began to seek alcohol to self-medicate, and became very short and quiet around my friends. I also began to carelessly spend money, hoping that I could buy that one item that could bring happiness to my life. When it got to the point of spending money every day on the drinking, and I was sleeping through my classes, I decided to seek help from the campus health clinic.

In the Fall of 2004, I decided to move off campus to try and get away from the groups partaking in binge drinking. My depression continued to increase and the symptoms became worse. Although underage, I still found myself drinking alone at home and never leaving the house other than to attend my classes, most of which I fell asleep in. During the time frame of the Fall of 2004 and Winter 2006, I attempted suicide 3 times, by overdose. I stopped taking my medications, would stockpile them, and when I was at the lowest of lows, I would decide it was time for my life to be over.

After changing doctors, changing medications several times, and quitting drinking, I finally got back on track with school and graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in Science, with honors. During the time to recovery, I was brought onto a Fire Department in the rural area near campus as a firefighter. Firefighting has been in my blood since I was a child; I was brought up in a household where my dad was a firefighter. I not only learned the morals and values taught by my parents, but the values and traditions of the fire service by our “second” family at the fire house.

Shortly after graduation, I moved back home with my parents. But the road to recovery was far from over. I completed my Paramedic Program with the second best GPA and scoring a 92% on the state exam while working full time for a private ambulance service.

Once again, I found myself feeling down, isolated and lacked interest in activities that usually made me feel good. But I kept fighting. I was now employed as a full-time firefighter paramedic, in a new area with nobody that knew me, and almost had a sense of a fresh start. I ended up breaking up with my fiancée, and that put me over the edge. Shortly after that, I overdosed twice more. I was told that the decisions I was making in life were poor, and I was told multiple times that I would never be a firefighter again.

Hearing that I would never be a firefighter again was the kick in the butt I needed. The whole time I was in the numerous treatment facilities, attending outpatient care, and going to doctor’s appointments, I was never honest with myself, my friends and family, or my doctors. I was in denial that I had depression and didn’t want to admit that I had a “mental health condition.” I felt that hiding my pain and suffering made me a “man” and the “rock” that everyone used to lean on. I thought that I was fooling everyone, but in reality I was only fooling myself. I learned a lot in the next few months, which included:

·         Bottling up fears and emotions only leads to disaster at some point.

·         Being honest with doctors about how I felt and what I went through helped to find medications that worked better for me.

·         Taking care of others is an excellent trait, but if you can’t take care of yourself, you will not be able to adequately take care of others.

·         Picking the right crowd to socialize with, ones that truly cared and wanted to understand how I felt was a big key to being comfortable with being open and honest.

·         Doctors and medication can only do so much for a person. The addition of a therapist or counselor to your medication regiment is another key factor to feeling better, getting your feelings heard by an open and neutral party, which is the other half to controlling mental illness.

I know what it’s like to have to check your baggage at the door before starting shift, because for those 24 hours, other people’s problems are brought into your life, and you have to best mitigate them as part of your job. However, you cannot perform to your fullest and treat your patients as best as possible unless you are feeling good yourself. Just like if you are physically sick at work and do not perform 100%, behavioral health issues do the same thing. Remember, if you have a bad day at work, it could be a bad day for someone else too because of your actions.

I am here today, still fighting stronger than ever. I became committed to my health, became honest with my doctor, compliant with my medications, and use therapy and my counselor as resources to strengthen my mind and to start seeing the positives in my life. Do I have days that I am feel “off” or down? Sure I do. But I am constantly getting my medications adjusted and using the tools I’ve learned to help with my thoughts and feelings so I can stay as healthy as possible.

So where am I at today? I am currently an Acting Lieutenant and Paramedic with my fire department. I also serve as the Public Education Coordinator, which reaches out to the community to help promote safer lifestyles. I have taken numerous classes to increase my knowledge in my career and have received numerous Letters of Accommodation for calls I was involved in while on-duty. I am married, have 3 amazing children, and I own my own home.

I am here to bring light to mental illness and behavioral health concerns. Having thoughts and feelings different then others doesn’t mean we are weird or “psycho,” it means that we may see the world differently and experience emotions and feelings differently than others –especially as firefighters/paramedics. It doesn’t make us bad people when we need help, it makes us human. It makes us stronger too, and knowing what resources are out there to help us is the starting point for improving ourselves. I am not only here to be an advocate that there is always hope, but I am here to help promote awareness of mental health and how it affects the people with these concerns.

I have been given the chance to be a source of peer support as well as a person who can educate others of the effects of any psychological concern, including behavioral health or mental illness. In the future, I will be offering information for not only people affected specifically by a mental illness, but to others who are not diagnosed with a mental health concern, but who just need to talk.  I will also talk about what it is like to live with mental illness, and provide key support tips that can help others through rough times.

Remember, you are never alone! Use your positive resources. Always have a plan. Know who you can call if you are having a bad time and who you can go to for support. Keep in mind, if you haven’t established this plan yet or you do not know who you feel comfortable talking to about your feelings, there are numerous county, state and national hotlines established and ran by trained staff that are open 24/7.  They are free to use, and they are there to listen and offer positive support.

Be strong. Sometimes it takes time to find the right medication, right dosage, or right strategy to dealing with these feelings. Be honest. Unlike many other illnesses in life, mental/behavioral health issues’ signs and symptoms are not always obvious to others. Finally, everyone has bad days, but it is how we cope and deal with these days that can make us stronger or adversely weaker. Take the necessary steps to find your support, make a plan, and stick to it when you are feeling down.

Until next time, stay safe, take good care of yourself, and take good care of others too,

Steve