Before I go further into firefighter depression, I wanted to
touch on signs and symptoms of depression as a base to my discussions. It is
important to remember that people are individuals, and experience symptoms of
all types of illnesses and injuries differently. I am going to go over several
of the symptoms that I experienced, to give you some insight on how depression
has directly affected me.
It is important to realize that everyone experiences
depressed moods at times. An example of this could be a family death, and the
family dealing with the grieving process. But with diagnosed depression, I have
seen that the signs and symptoms are there, whether there is a major life event
or not. Individuals that have depression can have times of depressed moods that
could range from several days to many years depending on the choice to receive
treatment, compliance, or effectiveness of the individuals treatment.
It is important to express, as previously stated, that not
all symptoms are the same for every person that is affected by depression. The
important point is to expose people to these signs and symptoms in order to
recognize the presence of depression. The following is a brief summary of some
of the symptoms that I have personally experienced over the years:
Increased Sadness:
I have experienced many times of increased sadness at many points in my life.
These experiences have come at all times of the day, and can exist with many
other symptoms. The feeling of sadness will come on all of a sudden, and I have
often found myself crying and having the feeling of complete sadness. I have
noticed through my counseling and medications, that the incidence of sadness
has decreased. But it is important to realize, like every single person in
life, there are good days and bad. Medication and therapy only can control
depression to some point. Surrounding yourself with positive activities or
people and using positive coping techniques are critical to getting through
these times.
In addition to sadness, I also experienced a great deal of
feeling “worthless.” I felt like I was never good enough for anyone, and that I
was always a burden on others. This was only a misconception in my head. Along
the same lines, I also had periods of low self-esteem. I always had thoughts
that I never looked good, that my attempts to be a good friend and family
member were a failure, and I never had any confidence in any activity I did.
With the decrease in self-confidence and lower self-esteem I also had trouble
making decisions. Even simple every day activities that I would normally not
even think about was hard for me. It took the positive words by my counselor
and actually taking a good look at my life to realize that all of these
thoughts were just symptoms of the depression. I really was a great person,
succeeded at many things in life, and was ultimately a good friend and family
member.
Loss of interest in
activities that normally provide pleasure: One of the things that I find
the most pleasure in is working out. There are times during my deepest and
darkest times that the motivation to work out and stay active became very hard.
This is a natural symptom of depression. It should also be noted in the section
of loss of interest in pleasurable events that people that suffer from
depression also can have a loss of interest and drive in their sex life. I have
found in times of depression, even though I lack the motivation to do my work
outs, I have to push myself to have that time. If it is hard to get motivated
to do this activity, call someone who shares the same enthusiasm. Use them as a
crutch to get into your activity. I have found that a small bit of pleasurable
activity each day improves my mood and also gives me time to clear my head. It
should also be noted that along with the loss of motivation to do activities,
that an increase in fatigue and lower amounts of energy can be seen in patients
with depression.
Withdrawal: There
have been times in life that during depressed moods, I have found myself
withdrawn and isolated from my friends and family. This symptom I can connect
to many other symptoms mentioned in this post. I have found myself hurting so
bad inside, horrible pain in my chest, and extreme sadness at times that it is
so easy to just isolate yourself from others and lay in bed all day. There were
even times that I wouldn’t even have the energy to shower each day. I found
through therapy and doctors that although it isn’t normal for everyday life,
that people with depression do at times have problems keeping up with hygiene.
It is important to realize that you are on this earth for a reason, and taking
care of the one body you have is essential to your everyday health. Although it
is very easy to isolate yourself based off of your feelings, I found it very
beneficial to come up with a list of people close to me that I can call if I
feel these symptoms coming. Involving yourself in group activities or conversation
with family and friends can help you to talk out your feelings and at times can
help to lift the burden or pressure off yourself. Through these activities, I
found that I was able to reduce the intensity of the symptoms. By sitting in
bed or isolating myself from others, I found myself dwelling on my feelings and
noticed that the symptoms increased drastically.
Sleep and Eating
Changes: Here is an area that I referred to earlier that can be different
between individual patients with depression, and can even change within the
same patient. Personally, when I had extreme times of sadness, and loss of motivation
and energy I turned to the isolation and spent a lot of time in my room
dwelling on things. Soon, my time in my bed turned to countless hours of
sleeping, both during the day and at night. On the other side of the spectrum,
people with depression can also have an extremely hard time sleeping. The feelings
of pain, sadness, or even racing thoughts keep the patient from sleeping. Both
instances are not healthy for the human body and should be regulated by a
doctor. Again as I stated previously, getting out of bed, surrounding yourself
by positive people, and participating in
activities that are pleasurable and safe, helps to limit these symptoms and
will reduce their intensity.
Eating changes are often another sign of depression. For
some, a depressed mood will increase hunger. Many of the times, I found myself
excessively eating. In addition to the increased food intake, I found foods
that were unhealthy for me to be eating in excess (fast food, candy). If you
have these cravings, have healthy food on hand to eat. I found it beneficial to
pre-cut apples, and have bananas, yogurt, and granola bars on hand. Although
the taste of pops and energy drinks were often times my choice of beverage, I
found that cutting back on the sugars and adding water to my oral intake helped
to control the weight gain and also was a healthier choice for my body. The
other symptom related to eating is a lack of appetite. I also experienced this
at times when I was so depressed, that I wouldn’t even get the energy to get
out of bed to eat. Even if I had food in front of me, the feeling of pain
outweighed the feeling of hunger and I went days at points without eating. This
was also very unhealthy for me. After talking with doctors, I found that I had
to add oral intake to my daily activities and eventually added the meal
replacement drinks to my diet. Although I did not want to rely on this for my
only intake, it still gave me nutrients and I wasn’t starving my body of one of
its main means of energy.
Change in behavior
and thoughts: I left this one for last because it had the biggest impact on
me as a patient of depression. Due to the decreased mood, the never-ending
sadness, and being tired, I began to become very irritable. Things that I
normally could let roll of my back or just ignore infuriated me. I had numerous
times that I said things to the people that I cared so deeply about that were
very hurtful. I took my anger out on doors or walls, but in the end I was left
with a mess and added expenses of repairing my house. Another thing that I
experienced with irritability was that I was so low and so depressed that the
times that my loved ones tried to help me or cheer me up, I pushed them further
away from me. Realize that sometimes with depression we are at the lowest of
lows and there are times that there doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of
the tunnel. But use these loved ones to help you get through your tough times.
You are not a burden on them. They come to you to help you because they love
you and want the best for you. There have been many times in my life that I
have felt alone, and that everything that I was going through in life I had to
deal with on my own. But this is the farthest from the truth. Always know who
your positive influences are in life, and call those people when you are having
bad times. Come up with a list of these people and make a reasonable plan that
you can implement should you feel depressed. These people will be there to
listen and help you get through your though times. Include them in your healing
process, don’t push them away.
With depression, I am first to admit that when it hits me,
it feels like a freight train hit me head on. The pain and the sadness were
always running through my head. I couldn’t get it out of my head that I was
different then everyone else, that I wasn’t good enough, or that there was no
possible way of achieving happiness. I was a very spiritual person, but for a
time lost contact with that because I even began to blame God for the way I
felt. I noticed that as the depression got worse, it took over my entire body. Physically
I always had muscle aches that I can only compare to the flu. As mentioned
earlier, I was always tired and unmotivated to even get out of bed. Mentally,
it took over my thinking and I could only dwell on the negatives. I had
problems concentrating, would forget things that would happen in the recent
past, and at times couldn’t even concentrate when someone was talking to me.
Soon sadness turned into major depression, and from there I began to have
suicidal thoughts and plans. In my head and my heart I couldn’t see a positive
end in sight. I began to think of ways of committing suicide, but from my
experience it was always in a way that didn’t involve pain. In my past suicide
attempts, every time I thought my body was ready to be done on this earth, I overdosed
on my mediations combined with alcohol in the hopes of the pain decreasing,
falling asleep, and finally being at peace inside. I now know that each time I tried
to kill myself and woke up in the hospital, it was God’s way of telling me that
it wasn’t my time, and that I was meant to be on this earth for a reason.
Today, my goal in life is to help educate others about depression and be there
for others that suffer from the same illness that I do. I have made it my
personal mission to give these individual hope that through proper treatment
and therapy you can overcome these thoughts and feelings, and that happiness in
life is very achievable.
But as many firefighters and paramedics know, each person is
unique and experiences life and illness in different ways. One example outside
of the mental health topic is that women and diabetics are at times at risk of
feeling different symptoms, if any, while having a heart attack. The above have
been some of the experiences that I have encountered through road to achieving
happiness again. Remember, that you are never alone. I looked up a statistic
today and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, there are
approximately 14.8 million adults that suffer from major depression.
Recognizing the signs and symptoms and accepting them can be hard. But remember
that you are not alone. You can use your positive influences in life (friends
and family), doctors, counselors, and if you don’t anywhere else to turn, you
can call the suicide and depression hotlines. These hotlines are manned by
trained personnel that are there for you to talk to 24/7.
The above signs and symptoms are just a broad overview of
things that I have felt throughout my fight with depression. But as I look back
today, no matter how bad I felt or how badly I wanted to end my life,
everything I went through made me a stronger person. It made me realize so much
about myself and the positive qualities that I possessed and I am here advocating
that life does get better, but taking the steps to seek help is the first step
that you have to take. If you suffer from these symptoms, there is nothing
wrong with you, you just see life differently at times. Do not be ashamed for
how you feel or what others will think. The world wouldn’t be as good of a
place for others with you gone.
I look forward to future posts where I can go into depth
about my journey through life with depression, and the different treatments and
therapy techniques I use. For further information on depression and the
different signs and symptoms, visit the webpages for the National Institute of
Mental Health or the National Alliance on Mental Health.
I wish everyone a
good weekend and a very happy and safe Thanksgiving!
And as always, stay safe and take care of each other.
Steve
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