Introduction To My Life

My name is Steve, and I am a firefighter that suffers from anxiety and depression. I will be blogging and serving as a support to my fellow brothers and sisters who suffer from depression through Illinois Fire Fighter Peer Support. Although I am not a doctor or a professional in the field of mental health, I have experienced the lowest of lows. I have lived life at times thinking I was alone, and there was no hope. But I stand here today, as living proof, that nobody who suffers from any mental illness is alone. I am here today to be an advocate, and to tell you that life does get better.  I have experienced that with proper support and treatment, we can overcome any of life’s obstacles.

I was officially diagnosed with major depression and anxiety in 2004 while attending college. I noticed that I began to isolate myself from my friends, no longer found pleasure in my extracurricular activities, began to seek alcohol to self-medicate, and became very short and quiet around my friends. I also began to carelessly spend money, hoping that I could buy that one item that could bring happiness to my life. When it got to the point of spending money every day on the drinking, and I was sleeping through my classes, I decided to seek help from the campus health clinic.

In the Fall of 2004, I decided to move off campus to try and get away from the groups partaking in binge drinking. My depression continued to increase and the symptoms became worse. Although underage, I still found myself drinking alone at home and never leaving the house other than to attend my classes, most of which I fell asleep in. During the time frame of the Fall of 2004 and Winter 2006, I attempted suicide 3 times, by overdose. I stopped taking my medications, would stockpile them, and when I was at the lowest of lows, I would decide it was time for my life to be over.

After changing doctors, changing medications several times, and quitting drinking, I finally got back on track with school and graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in Science, with honors. During the time to recovery, I was brought onto a Fire Department in the rural area near campus as a firefighter. Firefighting has been in my blood since I was a child; I was brought up in a household where my dad was a firefighter. I not only learned the morals and values taught by my parents, but the values and traditions of the fire service by our “second” family at the fire house.

Shortly after graduation, I moved back home with my parents. But the road to recovery was far from over. I completed my Paramedic Program with the second best GPA and scoring a 92% on the state exam while working full time for a private ambulance service.

Once again, I found myself feeling down, isolated and lacked interest in activities that usually made me feel good. But I kept fighting. I was now employed as a full-time firefighter paramedic, in a new area with nobody that knew me, and almost had a sense of a fresh start. I ended up breaking up with my fiancée, and that put me over the edge. Shortly after that, I overdosed twice more. I was told that the decisions I was making in life were poor, and I was told multiple times that I would never be a firefighter again.

Hearing that I would never be a firefighter again was the kick in the butt I needed. The whole time I was in the numerous treatment facilities, attending outpatient care, and going to doctor’s appointments, I was never honest with myself, my friends and family, or my doctors. I was in denial that I had depression and didn’t want to admit that I had a “mental health condition.” I felt that hiding my pain and suffering made me a “man” and the “rock” that everyone used to lean on. I thought that I was fooling everyone, but in reality I was only fooling myself. I learned a lot in the next few months, which included:

·         Bottling up fears and emotions only leads to disaster at some point.

·         Being honest with doctors about how I felt and what I went through helped to find medications that worked better for me.

·         Taking care of others is an excellent trait, but if you can’t take care of yourself, you will not be able to adequately take care of others.

·         Picking the right crowd to socialize with, ones that truly cared and wanted to understand how I felt was a big key to being comfortable with being open and honest.

·         Doctors and medication can only do so much for a person. The addition of a therapist or counselor to your medication regiment is another key factor to feeling better, getting your feelings heard by an open and neutral party, which is the other half to controlling mental illness.

I know what it’s like to have to check your baggage at the door before starting shift, because for those 24 hours, other people’s problems are brought into your life, and you have to best mitigate them as part of your job. However, you cannot perform to your fullest and treat your patients as best as possible unless you are feeling good yourself. Just like if you are physically sick at work and do not perform 100%, behavioral health issues do the same thing. Remember, if you have a bad day at work, it could be a bad day for someone else too because of your actions.

I am here today, still fighting stronger than ever. I became committed to my health, became honest with my doctor, compliant with my medications, and use therapy and my counselor as resources to strengthen my mind and to start seeing the positives in my life. Do I have days that I am feel “off” or down? Sure I do. But I am constantly getting my medications adjusted and using the tools I’ve learned to help with my thoughts and feelings so I can stay as healthy as possible.

So where am I at today? I am currently an Acting Lieutenant and Paramedic with my fire department. I also serve as the Public Education Coordinator, which reaches out to the community to help promote safer lifestyles. I have taken numerous classes to increase my knowledge in my career and have received numerous Letters of Accommodation for calls I was involved in while on-duty. I am married, have 3 amazing children, and I own my own home.

I am here to bring light to mental illness and behavioral health concerns. Having thoughts and feelings different then others doesn’t mean we are weird or “psycho,” it means that we may see the world differently and experience emotions and feelings differently than others –especially as firefighters/paramedics. It doesn’t make us bad people when we need help, it makes us human. It makes us stronger too, and knowing what resources are out there to help us is the starting point for improving ourselves. I am not only here to be an advocate that there is always hope, but I am here to help promote awareness of mental health and how it affects the people with these concerns.

I have been given the chance to be a source of peer support as well as a person who can educate others of the effects of any psychological concern, including behavioral health or mental illness. In the future, I will be offering information for not only people affected specifically by a mental illness, but to others who are not diagnosed with a mental health concern, but who just need to talk.  I will also talk about what it is like to live with mental illness, and provide key support tips that can help others through rough times.

Remember, you are never alone! Use your positive resources. Always have a plan. Know who you can call if you are having a bad time and who you can go to for support. Keep in mind, if you haven’t established this plan yet or you do not know who you feel comfortable talking to about your feelings, there are numerous county, state and national hotlines established and ran by trained staff that are open 24/7.  They are free to use, and they are there to listen and offer positive support.

Be strong. Sometimes it takes time to find the right medication, right dosage, or right strategy to dealing with these feelings. Be honest. Unlike many other illnesses in life, mental/behavioral health issues’ signs and symptoms are not always obvious to others. Finally, everyone has bad days, but it is how we cope and deal with these days that can make us stronger or adversely weaker. Take the necessary steps to find your support, make a plan, and stick to it when you are feeling down.

Until next time, stay safe, take good care of yourself, and take good care of others too,

Steve